i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Sext me about skeletons
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
