i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
