The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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