that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
