I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I love you. Go after that dick
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
