i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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