She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
