I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
