You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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