He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
