Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
