Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
