I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
