i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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