a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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