I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Boobs speak an international language.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
