I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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