I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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