I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
