I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
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Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
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This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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