he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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