Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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