Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
