How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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