I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
