I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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