I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
