people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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