Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
