Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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