My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
