lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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