someone get that fucking seahorse.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
