So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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