I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
