I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
so much tequila, so little girl.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
