can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My penis needs a shock collar
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
