come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM