Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I still have a little drunk in my system
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
