Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
