pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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