i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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