It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
