I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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