Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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