Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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