Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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