Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
