I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
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I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
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When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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