I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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