she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
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I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
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He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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