I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
