she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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