My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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