you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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