when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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