i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
