I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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