Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
