Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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